May 10th

May 9th: 9 a.m. Ireland Time. I had failed at studying abroad.  

…..My flight back to the United States was in 29 days, and I wished it was sooner. Sooner. The exact opposite of what every study abroad participant feels. 

…..Five months in a new country and I hadn’t made a single friend. “Join clubs, be involved, put yourself out there, talk to your classmates, don’t worry about it, they will find you.” That’s what all the Reddit posts said when searching “how to make friends in college,” but nothing worked. I went to college in a new state for two and a half years and had yet to make a single college friend in Minnesota. And now I had traveled halfway across the world to Ireland and “put myself out there” for five months, and still – nothing.  

…..Maybe it’s because I was picky in friends. I wanted a friend who was either neurodivergent or queer. Somebody who would understand my extreme passion for various medias, without judging me for it. I had those friends, online. But they all lived hundreds of miles away, and I wanted somebody I could randomly hang out with, in-person, to walk around or watch a movie with. There was Alex, but we were friends because we practically had to be. We were on the same study abroad exchange program, coming from the same home university, with the same major. We were culture-shocked bonded, but she had made real friends both in Minnesota and in Ireland. I had yet to succeed at either. 

…..I needed to leave my flat. The yellow-painted walls enclosing everything of who I was into one rectangular room were making me go crazy. I packed up the small Mickey Mouse backpack I had acquired two weeks prior from the kids-section of Primark. It was my new adventuring backpack for when I wanted to go somewhere and read or write, without feeling like my bag was taking up too much space. My current read, some pastel highlighters, and a pencil were all I needed. I would have included a notebook, but I knew I was failing at writing too. My bag was decorated with a few pins and keychains of characters from my favorite shows. It was childish of course, but it was me. And maybe, just maybe, somebody would see it and think “that person looks like a neurodivergent queer, I should befriend them!” 

… 

August: Minnesota 

…..“Hey, I like your backpack!” a classmate said to me after my first ever college class.  

…..“Oh thanks!” The compliment filled me with courage. I was starting to feel self-conscious over my Walt Disney World schoolbag, decorated with rainbows of Mickey Mouse’s face. It felt inappropriate for the mature adult vibe of college. 

…..I returned a compliment to Attempted College Friend #1, and we walked and talked in the direction of their dorm.  

…..This had to be how college friends were made.  

…..A one-off comment developed into how excited we were for the class, what our favorite stories were, oh my goodness they’re a writer, I’m a writer, no way, we share the same extremely unpopular major, what are the chances. 

…..But we’re practically at their dorm building. The complete opposite direction of mine. How do I awkwardly turn around and pretend like I didn’t take a complete detour from my own building just because I didn’t know how to end a conversation? 

…..Silly me, I got too excited, and now they’ll think I’m the classmate who likes to follow people back to their dorms. 

… 

…..Where to walk? I didn’t know. I hopped from a café, to a park, to the Student Union. I had spent as much time as I could endure at each place before I got sick of the scenery and became stir crazy to leave. The Student Union was my last idea of a place to go and read. But I didn’t want to read anymore. I had spent hours walking from place to place trying to distract my thoughts, but it was only noon and I had no idea what to do for the rest of the day.  

… 

August: Minnesota 

…..“I’m going to go see if my roommate wants to join us, you should ask your roommate!” Attempted College Friend #2 suggested. 

…..“Oh yeah sure, I’ll ask her.” I responded, knowing there was a 90% chance my roommate would say no. Afterall, I was a freshman. She was a sophomore. She had friends already. 

…..I held my breath, unlocked our door, got my answer, and walked out, embarrassed I even asked.  

… 

…..The Student Union. A three-level building with a large staircase presented in the very center to take you to any floor. The stairway was designed to be seatable, so one could walk up either side or take a seat in the middle on one of the colorful cushions. I made my seat choice quickly, to not draw attention to myself. The bottom step. It was less committal. This was the step people stayed on for the shortest amount of time, mostly using it to sit down and rest for ten minutes before heading to their next class. I could leave and go back to my accommodation at any point. Bottom step. Cushion in the middle. The blue one. 

…..I instinctively looked at my phone. My online friends would be up in approximately 2-3 hours, but why did I care? I had muted the server we talked in, so I wouldn’t see their messages anyways. I was alone. They all lived in similar time zones to each other, and then there was me, adding a burden to any scheduled call. So I had a goal. A 24-hour goal to not talk to them, because I didn’t deserve their friendship. I put this barrier between me and everyone, and I deserved to be alone. 

…..My eyes started welling up with tears. I couldn’t spiral into that. I opened my book to where I left off and let the words blur away in my vision. I refocused and read the same paragraph three times, but I wasn’t reading. I should leave. 

…..“Hey Sky, right?”  

…..“Yeah?” I looked up from my book. There standing in front of me was the enby I wish fate had let me be flat mates with. “Oh hi, Nia.” 

… 

…..February 7th: Ireland 

…..Alex and I had plans. Being both Wind Ensemble members at our home university, it was our duty to see how the orchestra at this university measured up to our own. Today was the day of their first concert. I met up with Alex in the shared kitchen of my floor. One of my flatmates and a stranger were also with her. 

…..The stranger had long ginger hair and was wearing a nonbinary pendant around their neck. I had started to believe pride flags weren’t really a thing in Ireland, because I couldn’t seem to find anybody displaying them anywhere. But this person was. 

…..Through the mix of conversations, I came to the understanding this nonbinary person was named Nia. Nia was one of Alex’s flatmates and, based on their fearless ramblings about Doctor Who, I could tell they had to be neurodivergent in some way. Yet they still managed to befriend one of my flat mates, who apparently was performing at this concert, thus, Nia was going to join me and Alex on our trip to the Student Union to see the performance. 

…..We walked over to the building together. Nia led the way, showing us the best path to avoid as many intersections as possible. The room the performance was taking place in was on the bottom floor, hidden down a hallway past the main staircase. Alex took the far left seat of the first row of the second section of chairs. I sat next to her. Nia sat next to me. I had ended up in between the two people who had actually known each other for more than an hour.  

…..We made pre-show commentary about the concert list and somehow the topic of cosplaying got brought up. Cosplaying was my secret favorite hobby. The thing I never mentioned to people in real life because it had such a negative stigma associated with it. People would immediately judge me. But here Nia was saying how they wanted to get more into cosplay. 

…..It was 9 days after my birthday. Alex had bought my ticket for this event as a birthday present. I spent my actual birthday alone. I cried on the phone to my parents and wanted more than anything for one person to wish me happy birthday in-person, but nobody did, because nobody knew. But this was my birthday present, and if I could just pretend I was born nine days later, my birthday would have been adequate. 

…..The three of us were walking back to our housing unit. Alex and I were in step while Nia trailed slightly behind us, texting on their phone. Nia stopped walking. “I’m actually going to head back and hang out with some of my friends.” 

…..I wanted to join them. Why would I even think that? Hanging out with a bunch of strangers, the closest one being somebody I met 3 hours ago — that sounded horrible. But I could tell this person’s energy aligned with my own. They cared about the things I cared the most about. But we waved goodbye, and I knew another chance of friendship had left.  

… 

…..Nia sat down next to me. “So what are you up to?” 

…..“Nothing much, just reading or attempting to read a book,” I replied. 

…..“Mind if I sit next to you?” 

…..“Go right ahead.” They sat on the yellow cushion left of me. 

…..We talked. I don’t know what about. My anxiety was freaking out, trying to find a reason to leave. It was nice talking to a new person, deep down I knew that, but I hadn’t mentally prepared myself to have my masking socialization battery on. 

…..Nia spotted one of their friends and cupped their hands around their mouth, “Grace! Graceeeee.” A student with shoulder-length black curly hair came over to sit on the cushion right of me. I was between two friends again. 

… 

September: Minnesota 

…..Attempted College Friends #2 and #3 were now besties. I trailed behind them. Their personalities mashed together perfectly. I was not part of the conversation. I should turn back and head to my room. Save myself the embarrassment of when they finally realized. I was still there. 

… 

…..“I was just telling Sky about the award ceremony I’m hosting for our friend group,” they said. 

…..“Who’s winning?” Grace asked. 

…..“I can’t tell you that!” Nia responded, “Who do you think is winning?” 

…..They went through the list of categories together, “Hmm, what about ‘best ship?’” 

…..“I’m really hoping I can get some people to vote Tara and I for best ship.” Grace admitted laughing. “Tara’s my best friend,” she clarified to me. 

“Not going to lie, I think everybody is going to vote for the Titanic as best ship.” Nia replied. 

…..I didn’t know these people, but that’s what made it fun. There was no pressure for my input, and I was able to live vicariously through what sounded like a wonderful close-knit friend group. Plus, I liked listening to their fun Irish accents. 

…..But now was my time to leave. Grace was here, and I was intruding on Nia’s social time with their actual friend. I didn’t have any plans; I would just go home and read my book in my room, trying not to be enveloped by the loneliness pit my depression had been creating for me. But truthfully, I wanted to be selfish and stay. I didn’t really trust myself being alone right now, and I could leech myself onto them, so they felt obligated to hang out with me at least for a little while longer.  

…..“Do you have any plans tonight?” Nia asked me. 

…..And here it was. Here is where I make up a lie and leave because any time I committed to masking around strangers for many hours never amounted to anything. 

.. 

October: Minnesota 

…..Attempted Friend #2 was driving us to Attempted Friend #4’s house.  

…..They asked me to join a few days before the trip. The idea of going to the parents’ house of somebody I was barely friends with terrified me, but the idea of there being more inside jokes I couldn’t understand scared me more. 

…..I sat in the backseat behind Attempted Friend #2, Attempted Friend #4 sat next to me while Attempted Friend #3 managed the Bluetooth playlist from the passenger seat. 

…..They all sang together. I chuckled, because I didn’t know the words, but didn’t want them to feel uncomfortable singing in my presence. 

…..I was so consciously aware of how I wasn’t contributing to the conversation. I would have been blissfully okay continuing to stare out the window, letting my daydreams take me away. But they would find it weird. I pretended to go on my phone. Staring at my home screen. Very interesting. But I couldn’t daydream looking at the blue light. But I couldn’t seem normal looking out the window.  

…..“So ***,”  Attempted Friend #3 accidentally deadnamed me, “you’ve really never been to St. Cloud before?” 

…..“Sky,” Attempted Friend #2 corrected, “Sky. you need to stand up for yourself. I can’t keep correcting people for you.” 

…..But I never asked her to correct people. I didn’t care. I was still getting used to the new chosen name myself. 

…..“I know,” I muttered, “And no I haven’t.” Of course I hadn’t been to St. Cloud. I grew up in Wisconsin. They knew this. That’s what was cool about me: they could all show me mundane Minnesota culture they grew up with, and I would marvel as the outsider. 

.. 

…..One more try. 

…..“Not really,” I responded, committing myself to a meeting of Dragonslayers. “A society where basically a bunch of nerds get together to play games,” as described in Nia’s words. 

…..I thought back on the trans game nights I had forced myself to attend. More nights of “stepping out of my comfort zone” and not making a genuine connection with anybody. 

…..But Dragonslayers “has more queer members than the actual LGBTQ society.” 

…..Maybe I had simply joined the wrong queer society. 

…..If I could just make it to the society meeting, then Nia and Grace wouldn’t feel obligated to still talk with me. There would be an array of their friends there, and I could float around like a stranger that came to this meeting on a whim. 

…..At last, Nia, Grace, and I headed up the stairs to the second floor. This was where the meet-up was taking place. Nia introduced me to many names, a few of which I had recognized from the “Run Off Sentence” friend group award ceremony discussion. We played Mario Kart, and I actually was given a controller.  

…..They taught me Clocktower, the game one must play to truly be part of the Dragonslayers society. “Now no matter what anybody says,” Nia warned me, “do not trust anybody. Because I became allies with the demon my first time, and they completely betrayed me.” I tried to take their advice, but Tara talked me out of it, and backstabbed me in the first round of this game. But it was okay, because when I became the demon next round, I did the exact same thing back to her. 

…..People were getting tired. I could feel the beginning of the end. 

…..“A bunch of us are going to head over to John Bell House now, do you want to come?” Nia asked me. I had no idea what that place was, but I didn’t seem to care. “Absolutely no pressure of course.” 

…..“Oh sure, I’d love to,” I replied. 

…..“But seriously Sky, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” Tara added. 

…..“No, I really want to go. I just don’t want to intrude,” I admitted. 

…..“Of course you’re not intruding!” 

… 

January: Minnesota 

…..“You’re never the one to ask us to hang out,” Attempted College Friend #2 confronted me. 

…..I guess it was true. But my attempted friends all lived in the same building. The same floor. They saw each other every day. Had conversations I wasn’t part of. I didn’t know when they were doing something. I never had anything I was doing. It would feel silly messaging them every day. If they wanted me there, they would have asked. If I asked, I was intruding on their plans. Maybe that’s what normal people did. But I wasn’t normal.  

… 

…..Walking and talking felt natural. It became natural. I was part of a whole group. The groups of friends I would see adventuring together, and wish I had that. The groups of friends where I was a third wheel, and although I was part of it, I wasn’t really in it. But these people were interested in me and my story. My true story. Not the masked one. 

…..We arrived at “John Bell House.” An accommodation building I had passed multiple times before when navigating the bus routes alone, but I never really thought about what this building was. It was just another fancy multi-level building made out of white concrete which added to my belief of Ireland being 100 times prettier than the United States. As soon as I stepped in, I marveled at the grand staircase that laid directly across the front doors. It was a bit run down, and yet I was already thinking about how nice it would be to live there.  

…..One more try and my life became a book. I was let into a beautiful building I would have had no way of getting into 12 hours ago. I was special. I was chosen. I had never made it this far in the journey of new friendships. 

…..“Wait, wait, before we go up, we have to knight Sky,” Nia proclaimed. 

…..“What?” I questioned. They had mentioned this slightly on the walk over here. It was their ritual to fully induct new members to their friend group, but I had just met everybody that day. It couldn’t be real. 

…..I kneeled down as Nia knighted my left shoulder, “By the right of the council,” they moved the water bottle to my right shoulder, “By the will of the nerds,” and then touched my head, “Congrats kid, you’re an avenger now.” 

…..I let out a laugh, “Wow, I feel extremely honored. Thank you!” and I meant it. 

…..The night carefully slipped into morning as we all hung out in the lounge of this housing building. I was the new kid, but I wasn’t the outsider. I felt at bliss people-watching this friend group I had somehow snuck into. They begged me to stay in Ireland. Explained how it’s possible. A different exchange student studied abroad for a semester and stayed there. I should do that. And it was tempting. I had one year left to get my degree. But this was what college is truly about. Finding a community.  

…..Nearly 4 a.m., and I was finally walking back to my accommodation. This time, in company. It was not uneventful. I had people who would listen to me vent about what a horrible guy Charles Dickens was, fellow students to debate why the American way to spell favorite was correct, and friends to assure me I wasn’t going to fail my final essays. Slowly, our group dwindled as we passed by each other’s accommodations. We became four people, then three, then just Nia and I. 

…..We almost lived in the same building. Mine being Beech Grove 1. Theirs Beech Grove 2. The designated “quiet living” buildings. We hugged goodbye outside their door. They went inside. And I walked the 10 paces it took to get to my door. Alone. After 15 hours of constantly being by somebody. 

…..I joined their discord server, “Run Off Sentence” the next day at 9:39am. It was the place my friends communicated with one another to plan meetups and events. To talk about our favorite interests. To organize a movie adventure. Or to just hang out. I watched all the “Welcome Sky” messages come in, as I laid on my bed, staring up at the white ceiling.  

…..This was it. It was finally my turn. My turn to be adopted into a friend group. The very thing I wished for through all the summer camps, all the extracurriculars. When I moved to Minnesota. When I moved to Ireland. It was always the hope. The hope I thought would never come to fruition. 

…..But it did. And now I was leaving it all behind in one month. 

…..May 10th: 10am Ireland time. My flight back to the United States was in 28 days, and I wished it was later.