Nights to Remember

Nighttime makes me miss my family. I have a hard time remembering specific events in my childhood, but at night I can remember. When the world becomes quiet. When the lights are off both inside and outside. When I can hear the constant hum of cicadas. Or when I can go outside and actually see the stars above. It’s like I can transport myself back to a million memories with my family. 

 

Age 5: I start Kindergarten. 

We are driving home from Appleton. Me, my sisters Stephanie, Desiree, and Paige, and my mom. I am sitting in the back seat on the left, gazing out the window. Stephanie sits in the passenger seat, Paige sits on the right backseat, and Desiree was nice enough to take my spot in the middle. They’re all talking about something, but their voices start to fade away. The glass is cold on my head and it feels nice as the warmth of the car comforts me like a blanket. I don’t think of anything. Just watch the lights outside go by and listen to the mix of radio music and voices. I fall asleep. I wake up. We’re still in the car, so we must be at the highway exit to Weyauwega. I always woke up as soon as we hit the exit. I wonder why. How does my brain know we’re almost home, even when I’m asleep?  

 

Age 6: Stephanie starts high school. 

The Picnic game: a camping favorite for conversation around the campfire. 

“I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing pickles.” My sister, Paige says. 

My turn. “I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing peanuts.” I say confidently. 

“No, you’re not.” She responds.  

I didn’t know what the pattern was. I wanted to know. 

 

Age 7: Paige starts Middle School. 

We’re camping at the fancy campground. The one with inflatables in the pond and the big blowup trampoline pillow. Except it’s storming outside, so I can’t play at either place. Instead, I’m stuck watching movies in the camper with mom and dad. I don’t even know what movie it is. I don’t care. I’m bored.

“Where’s everyone else?” I ask my mom as it appears within an hour, all of my sisters had vanished. 

“I don’t know. They went to the store, but it shouldn’t be taking them this long…” She has a light concerned tone to her voice. 

We walk to the camp store, each holding our own umbrella. 

It’s easy to spot them. My sisters, Stephanie, Desiree, and Paige are all hanging out together in the lounge area of the building, watching a movie. I look around at them laid out amongst the unmatching couches and chairs. There are two strangers sitting with them. My sisters are chatting with people they just met. 

They explain to my mom how they made new friends while I investigate what’s playing on the square television in the corner. 

Wizards of Waverly Place: the Movie. 

This is the show I claimed as mine to sing whenever it came on Disney channel. 

They are watching the premiere of the movie without me. 

I sit down in the middle of the carpet right in front of the TV screen. My mom converses with them more. I want to stay. When my mom leaves, I will stay and finish this movie with my sisters. 

“Alright, I’m leaving. Are you coming or staying?” 

I glance at the five people enjoying each other’s company. They don’t need me. They don’t want me. They would have to babysit me if I stayed. I don’t want to seem like an outsider with my family.  

“Um, I’ll just go back now.” 

I’d rather feel lonely alone in the camper than feel lonely surrounded by my sisters. 

 

Age 8: Desiree starts High School. 

I’m scared. We’re hiding in the bathrooms at the campground. There’s a horrible storm happening outside and we were told by rangers to come here for shelter. I didn’t think the storm was too bad, but the fact that we have to be in this bathroom must mean it’s serious. There’s so many of us in here, too. It’s so crowded and it’s humid and icky smelling and I’m so tired. I want to go back to the camper, but now I don’t feel safe there anymore. I think about my dad alone in the men’s bathroom. He must be so scared. He’s just on the other side of this wall, but still. Even as a grown up, it must suck being alone during a scary time like this. 

 

Age 9: Stephanie is a Senior. 

Monopoly: my mom’s favorite game, because she cheats. 

It’s raining outside, so we’re once again stuck inside our camper, thankful for the electric lights allowing us to see while it was pitch black outside. I’m usually on my mom’s team, but not this time. I get my own game piece and get to make my own trust-breaking decisions against each of my sisters. Desiree is trusted as the banker, because we all knew my mom liked to steal money for herself when given that role.  

I start the game off strong, but I invest too much on my own houses so when I land on Paige’s blue squares, I practically go bankrupt. I could try and dig myself out, but it’s been two hours and I don’t want to play anymore. 

 

Age 10: Stephanie moves away for college. 

The Picnic Game: a camping favorite for conversation around the campfire. 

Everyone’s sitting around the campfire staring into the flames. Nobody is saying anything, so they must be bored. I know I am. I ask my mom if we can play the picnic game, she said she will if I can convince my sisters. I try to, but they would rather stare at the fire in silence. 

 

Age 11: Desiree is a Senior. 

Spoons: the most aggressive game in my family. 

I’m still in the game. It’s very rare I make it this far. Now it was just between me, my dad, and Paige who would claim this victory. I don’t even look at my own cards as I stare intently at the two spoons on the table, waiting for one to be drawn. Our bright dining room light makes them easy to see. Easy to focus on. My dad quickly grabs a spoon, I snatch the other one, but Paige grasps onto my hand. I feel her nails stick into my skin for a second, before I instinctively let go. She’s crowned the winner. 

 I try to explain how I had it first, but a new rule is decreed: It doesn’t matter who touches the spoon first, but whoever ends up with it gets to continue in the game. 

 

Age 12: Desiree moves away for college. 

My sisters and mom are all going Black Friday shopping. I want to come. I’m the only one not going and it’s not fair. One year, Paige got thrown atop the crockpots and had to hand them out to all the other customers. Paige was the small one, she was the one designated to squeeze through crowds to get the items in a dexterous manner. Stephanie was the tall one. She could see above other people’s heads to find the best course of navigation. One time, her mission was to grab pajamas, and even from aisle away, my mom could see the bunches of pajamas flying high in the air. 

 I want to be a part of the crazy Black Friday stories. 

“Stop it. You can come when you’re Paige’s age” my mom says, trying to leave the house with just three children. Paige, Stephanie, and Desiree are already sitting in the car. My mom is a foot away from the door, keys in hand. I am the one thing stopping them from arriving at the first store on time. 

“But that’s so far away, and Paige came with when she was only 13.” 

“Well, you’re not 13 yet, either.” 

My dad hollers from across the house in the living room, “Come here, let’s watch a movie.” 

I admit defeat and head over to my dad, hoping that this year’s Black Friday adventures aren’t that fun. 

 

Age 13: Paige is a Senior. 

Fireworks shoot out across the sky behind the Magic Kingdom castle. 

I had been to Disney two times prior with Stephanie and Desiree, but now it was just Paige, my parents, and I. This time my mom had been hinting at a special surprise she had planned for us all day: a firework viewing dessert party. We are at a fancy restaurant, on the second floor, next to the balcony. The castle is kitty corner to the left, but still in perfect view.  

“Soooo, do you like the surprise?” My mom asks. 

I squeal, “Yes! This is my first time actually seeing the fireworks.” 

“No it’s not” she rebuttals. 

I search my memory, maybe I was wrong, but all I can remember is being told to watch the fireworks as we walked out of the park. We’ve never stayed this late. 

 

Age 14: Paige moves away for college. 

I finally get to go Black Friday shopping.  

We get inside the first store, but it’s not nearly as packed as what was always described to me. 

My mom gives me my mission which is to get an Xbox 360 that would later be given to me on Christmas. I wait in line, ecstatic that I was given my own personal task to accomplish. My sisters and mom disperse to get the other needed items. Time goes by and I’m still here, waiting. I contemplate if I would rather have a new game system for Christmas or spend tonight partnering with a family member to get more items. 

 

Age 15: I’m a Sophomore. 

It’s Thanksgiving, and my family is spending it at Wisconsin Dells. My mom and I are teamed up trying to get my sisters interested in this new game she got. We play two rounds. 

 

Age 16: I’m a Junior. 

I finish my performance of Belle in my school’s production of Beauty and the Beast. I’m ecstatic my sisters came to see me. I want them to spend the night, but they’re busy. At 9 pm, they drive back to their respective cities. 

 

Age 17 I’m a Senior. 

Fireworks shoot out across the sky behind the Magic Kingdom castle. My parents and I are speed-walking to the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Going against all the crowds, we agreed we’d rather go on this ride again than watch the fireworks. 

 

Age 18: I move away for college. 

I lay outside my home on the patch of grass right of our driveway. The daytime summer heat sticks around for the night making me feel completely at peace with the fresh air, warm temperature, and quiet atmosphere. My mom is asleep upstairs and my dad is working his night shift. It’s just me and the stars. I try to find the big dipper but after 18 years of trying, I still can’t seem to find it. 

I’m leaving for college soon. 13 days to be exact. I’m going to miss this all. I can’t wait to get away from my life here, but I know I’ll miss it. I miss when my sisters still lived with us. I miss when my family used to camp all the time. I miss playing games with my sisters. I miss being a child. 

It’s my turn to leave. I know I have to, but as soon as I do, it’s all over. 

I’m moving to Minnesota. The rest of my family lives in Wisconsin. I’m intentionally putting this extra border between my family; I don’t get to complain about my family spreading apart. I wanted this. I wanted the space away from my crummy small town. To figure out who I truly was without all these influences attacking me. My plan always was to move to a different state, experience a new environment, but what if it’s all wrong? Maybe I’m not ready for this. Maybe I should have went to the University 35 minutes away from me. That’s where Desiree lives. That’s where Paige went to school. I could live with them. I could hold onto the remnants of our childhood. 

It’s too late. I know it is. I know this is what’s best. I know this is what I’m supposed to do. I know this is just the course of life. Still, I miss being a child. 

I can maladaptive daydream pretty well, maybe I could just let my mind wander. I stare up at the sky and think about all the other times I’ve stared up at stars like these while growing up.