A Lost Promise

“No, it really happened. Canada tried to make this gaydar machine that measured people’s pupil dilation to determine if they loved certain people or not”, Cassidy explained.

We were walking down the halls of Lincoln High, towards the cafeteria to get our pictures taken for the Forensics team, a team that shouldn’t have even existed considering it was only her and I in said team. Nonetheless, we still got a page in the yearbook for it.

I sighed, “Cassidy. I know you’re all into conspiracy theories and whatnot, but a gaydar? Really?”

The unnatural ginger striked her signature “I’m right, your wrong pose”. Arms on hips, head up in the air, and a glance downwards, “I’ll have to just show you the article at lunch then.”

“See, that’s the problem. It’s a single article. Anybody can write a lie and post it.”

She moved her glasses to sit lower on her nose and began a horrible British accent, “Fine then, would you prefer an essay with multiple reliable sources cited in MLA format, Mx. Nickels?”

A laugh escaped me at her sudden change in demeanor. I tried to come up with a clever response, but it was our turn to have this day memorialized as “Lincoln’s 2012 Forensics Speech Team.”

***

I can’t get myself to leave the photo. All the memories we had in this club, all the hours we spent after school annoying our adviser, all the trips in the van to the local competitions, all the corners we would sneak away to for a moment by ourselves. It was what started our entire friendship, but now it felt like a lifetime ago.

I force my eyes closed as it seems to be the only way to move on. With one less sense to focus on, I’m able to ground myself again. I breathe in the musty mix of dust and floral varieties. I feel my suit loose in my arms, but tight in my shoulders. The mix of solemn conversations happening everywhere, I don’t want to hear them. Dusty flowers, suit tight, all alone, wait that’s not right. My thumb instinctually touches the ring on my pinky finger.

***

Cassidy and I were in Ohio, solely because neither of us had crossed the border before and Cass thought it was “dang time we adventured outside the state”. We found a random city park to wander around in, talking about nothing as we tried to take in what we could see with the streetlights of our new surroundings. There were only a few trees along the path, so it was easy to see all the way across the park to the jungle gym on the other side. It was 1am, so we were the only ones walking about. Thinking back now, the park was probably closed, but that didn’t matter to us. We were the main characters.

Cassidy stopped by a tree along the path. “Nickels?”

“Cassidy?”

“Close your eyes”

I gave her a skeptical look.

“No seriously, do it!”

Abiding, I tensed my body up to be prepared for whatever silly antic she was going to pull this time. Naturally, this caused me to almost smack her as I felt someone touch my right pinky finger.

I slowly opened my eyes, “Oh my god! I knew it! I knew you secretly loved me. Dang, you skipped right over the dating and went straight to an engagement.” I laughed at the little ring now on my finger. It was a simple silver band with a tiny infinity sign engraved on it.

My eyes looked back up at the one who placed it. There stood a very mortified girl looking like I just found out her deepest darkest secret. “Oh no, Cass. I’m sorry, I was just joking.”

She quickly ripped something off of her finger. “Ha..ha, yeah I was just joking too… friendship rings are so stupid, I mean rings should only be saved for couples. Um anyways…”

She was trying to change the subject.

“No no no no, Cassidy, I love it. Sorry, I’m just not used to serious friendships like this.”

“I don’t think I am either…but I don’t know, I saw the ring in this small booth at the mall and I think it’s supposed to be a promise ring for couples and such but I thought if I get a small one it could be like a pinky promise for us to be friends forever, but now I’m realizing that’s very childish and we’re almost adults now so maybe it wasn’t my best idea?”

It was. It was her best idea.

***

I take a deep breath and continue down the path of photos. The next board is  a collage of family photos. She has photos with her sister, mother, grandparents, cousins, and even some must-be distant relatives that I didn’t recognize. This poster is easier to take in. These were moments I wasn’t a part of, memories I couldn’t flash back to.

I look in front of me to the line of people leading up to the final destination. I think I see a few faces I recognize from the poster I just looked at, but it was hard to know for sure. Everyone shared a solemn expression instead of the bright smiles all had when they were around Cassidy.

I can make it through this. One more table, one more board, and I’ll be there. I. Can. Do. This. I have to do this. For Cassidy.

But on this next table sits my Achilles heel. Perfectly placed in an antique silver frame is a photo I had taken of Cassidy. It was my favorite photo of her. Cas was wearing a beautiful blue sundress with a rainbow of flowers displayed on it. She paired it with a rusty locket, decorated with an imprint of a tree. Her hair was a mess, but when wasn’t it? My favorite thing she wore, however, was her expression. She had the biggest smile on her face that I had somehow managed to place there after her horrific birthday party of traumatizing family reunions.

A few seconds after the photo was taken, we kissed. Despite having dated for a week prior, this was our first kiss. It probably would have been magical if her sister, Bethany, didn’t witness the entire moment take place. Beth was furious, and the two got into a huge argument.

Except it wasn’t just an argument, it was a prolonged fight with months and months of the silent treatment. It was like a switch had flipped with Bethany. I no longer was that cool older sibling figure who would take her on random adventures whether Cass was with or not. Now, I was a competitor for her sister’s attention. A hazard waiting to use this new romantic title to keep Cassidy from what she truly wanted. A disease that would slowly poison her entire well-being, because “that’s what all couples do”.

Despite Bethany’s obvious disapproval, we kept dating. Although, it all felt different. Our dynamic wasn’t the same. Everything we did felt slightly forced, like we had to prove to the world- to Bethany we were the perfectest couple. I loved the photo itself, but it was always difficult to think of the memory behind it. I wish we had just told Beth about us, before she was reunited with their abusive father an hour before and then finding out.

I bet that bastard didn’t even have the courage to show up today. Good. Neither of the sisters would want him here anyways.

***

There’s hardly any photos after that one. This entire setup was ordered in a chronological way going from baby photos to high school to…a few random poor-quality selfies. They were Cass, but not Cassidy. There’s one with a pink hair girl kissing her cheek as Cass smiles toothlessly at the camera. There’s two bathroom mirror selfies, a group photo taken in a dimly lit area, and a more recent photo taken with her mother and sister, but that’s it. That is all there is to see of the Cassidy I never knew.

All these photos were taken in town too. Why were they all taken in town? She wasn’t supposed to spend her life here. She lied to me. She constantly talked about moving away and exploring the world and adventuring everywhere and anywhere, just any place but here. And she never did it.

I feel my breathing pick up, my vision get blurry. Why did she lie to me? Why couldn’t she be honest with one of the things that mattered the most. This is why it never would have worked out between us. Because she was too afraid to accept what she truly wanted. Too afraid to chase her dreams because she was too scared of getting hurt. She had 24 years to explore the world. 6 of those years being without me holding her back. And she did nothing with them. I’m crying. I know I’m crying, but this doesn’t count. I’m not sad, I’m upset.

***

“Nickels are you okay?”

“Please, don’t call me that.”

“I don’t understand…”

My voice came out just above a whisper, “I can’t do this anymore, Cass. We’re not meant to be in that way. We’re suppose to be friends and that’s it.”

“What?” Her voice cracked with the question, but I couldn’t let it stop me. I couldn’t let her relationships- her family become even more broken because of me.

“You’re not happy anymore. I can see it. Ever since we started dating, you’ve always been on edge, always trying to make sure everything is absolutely perfect. You spend your time worrying about me over your friends and family, putting my needs before your own”

“No, no, no. Nick- you’ve been getting me through everything, please-”

I wanted to give in. I wanted to stop. Say it was all a joke. Let her convince me that we could work this out.

I glanced down at my infinity ring. “friends forever”. I had broken that the moment I asked her out.

“I’m sorry, Cass. It’s over.”

***

That was the last time I saw her. I moved away a week later and was too embarrassed to ever reach out. She never did either. I assumed it was a mutual understanding that our friendship was ruined. I broke up with her. I gave her the freedom to live her life to the fullest, the freedom to be close to her sister again. I knew it hurt her in the moment, but I wasn’t the right person. I couldn’t love her how she deserved to be loved, so why did I think it was okay for me to come here now?

I glance behind me at the doors. Only people who actually loved Cassidy deserved to be here.

“Nickels?” My body immediately goes into fight or flight with the nickname. The nickname only ever used by the girl who created it. My eyes frantically search for Cassidy, but instead my eyes settle on a slightly younger version of her, Bethany.

A slight aroma of rose mixed with oak hits me. The scent I always remembered Bethany having. Cassidy’s locket of a tree hangs around Bethany’s neck, standing out from the black dress she’s wearing. I sigh at the familiarity.

She gives me a weak smile, “I wasn’t sure you were going to show…How are you? It’s been so long…”

I wait for myself to say something. I want to be honest to her. Tell her how much I miss her sister. How much I miss her. I need to tell her how I regret dating Cassidy and how I regret breaking up with her. I have to apologize, for everything. What happened to Cassidy after me? Why weren’t there more photos? Why didn’t she ever reach out to me? Why didn’t I ever reach out to her…It’s my job to be strong and say I’m fine, but I can’t. I can’t say anything.

Somehow, Beth understands everything as she takes my hand and leads me to the front of the room.

It’s a woven willow casket with flowers of every color lying on top. Inside lies Cassidy Brookstein, in all her glory. I glance over her ensemble, noticing the hidden bruises and scrapes concealed beneath layers of makeup. She’s wearing a white dress with pale yellow lace that somehow compliments her faded orange hair. Her facial makeup is very reserved, a style too simple for Cassidy to ever do herself. I try to look into her closed eyes. Instead, I’m met with a reflection of my own on her silver-rimmed glasses. My heartrate settles, my breathing slows down, as I notice my pupils dilate.