Sea Dog

A life is a story told by the living and dead. A golden dreamlike soap bubble of experiences, traversed through the motions of vast ocean. With waves that threaten to crush or fan the flames of the souls bound to their glossy vessels.

On the coast of a small town stands a young man. A scrappy pup, with a bright glimmer in his eyes. Standing alone on a dock, watching as the waves gently push his boat back and forth. Just as his family before him, Aliquis was about to begin a journey of a lifetime.

Lost in thought he began recalling his family’s tales, their experiences and words of wisdom. Visions of sitting across from his parents surface to his mind. Memories of laying in bed hearing of their own childhood, words of struggle and perseverance. Both parents relay a different outlook on life, either harmonizing or clashing with the other. He questioned whether or not he’d be able to remember their advice. Till eventually finding the futility of this line of reasoning. To him, he would much rather experience the harshness of the world himself. To show that while he may face them too, he could overcome them himself and make them proud. In this he laid the groundwork of his expectations. Creating his quest to seek more within himself.

Clouds glided above hiding the sunlight, bringing a strong gust of wind with it. The waters stirred anxiously, creating a creak from the dock, as if to say ‘Hurry up’. Softly he breathed in the salty ocean air; exhaling, he put on a smile and hopped aboard his ship.

With each step his chest swished, turning into a cocktail of emotions. One ounce of optimism, two ounces of wonder, two dashes of curiosity and a splash of anxiety. However curiosity tends to be the most overpowering ingredient to any adventure. Often holding the hand of wonder. Simmering joyously as he strode along the ship, our captain gazed out into the cloudy sun cracked horizon. His mind buzzed with endless possibilities, while his hands tingled and grasped for invisible door handles of opportunities. Things he promised to do when he was older were now possible. He could stay up for however long he wanted, eat whatever whenever he pleased. Fervently he began to chart his own goals, mapping out every place he could think of. After making his accommodations to his bedroom he took to the exterior of his new home. Filling each nook and cranny with ambition and purpose. Tossing aside anything that looked pointless or served no purpose to him directly. Because if it had no justification to exist, it had no reason to exist, he reasoned.

As he strode along his boat praising himself over his accomplishments and care. He noticed just a few little issues. The wood warped in odd ways, the boards creaked just a little louder than some others. But most notably how the helm has an odd click to it. As if it’s constantly troubled with the direction it’s steered.

He spent hours trying to find the source of the issue, but no matter how many times he took it apart or tightened it, the clicking persisted. During his final bout with the faulty instrument, he noticed something odd. There was a figure perched along the railings of the bow below. The shroud appeared to be staring directly at him, waving. Aliquis stared back dumbfounded. Snapping back to reality he cautiously made his way down to where he presumed the man was resting, turning each corner with a jab of his cutlass.

To his unease, Aliquis couldn’t seem to find any sign that anything had been there at all. He looked everywhere, the haul, his bedroom, the kitchen, yet not a single sign of life. Hell he even looked over the railings in case the bastard was hanging, waiting for him to let his guard down. Still, there was nothing, say for some scuff marks where the man had stood, and black thread. Not wanting to dwell on it, he stuffed it in his back pocket and chalked the experience up to nerves.

All things considered, this did little to disway the captain, for he being the jack of all trades, welcomed a challenge with open arms. For on his ship he was one of everything, the cook, the first mate, chief engineer and the ship’s doctor. But above all he was the fearless captain of this vessel, a madman who was ready to take on anything the sea had to offer. Because he believed there was nothing he couldn’t solve with his wits and efforts alone, he would be damned if he let some hallucination ruin his journey.

With nothing but a few bags, his cutlass and a mind full of endless hopes and dreams, He began to set sail. His journey started tame, putting his talents to use where he saw fit. Working hard to build himself up to be the man of his dreams. A man with many stories to tell, who was revered in his abilities, that allowed him to reach heights one could only dream of. However he found it very hard to keep up with the person who he wanted to be. With each step forward he felt as if he was never moving at all. At the start of this journey, he had made plans to see new places. Yet all he had managed to do was move himself into an ocean that moved restlessly without him. It wasn’t until he reached his first island, where he found himself with something new.

The afternoon was cool and the sky a warm watercolor gray against the rippled clouds. Aliquis woke up to the sound of a crow squawking away from outside his window. It tapped against the glass, with a leaf tucked within its beak. Hurriedly he tossed on clothes and ran outside to be greeted by a cascade of orange, red and yellow leaves. As he stepped out into the brisk air, leaves hugged his boots, crunching a friendly ‘hello’ as he wandered forward. Trees towered and stretched out, hiding the inky clouds above. Birds chirped, fluttering home to watch the young man make his way further down the creek. Within the hour, a clearing came into view. Down in the hearth of the prairie, a wooden cottage puffed out smoke. In the front sat an old couple cuddling within a thick woolen sheet, sipping away at coffee mugs in hand. When they caught sight of the man drifting downstream they waved a cheerful greeting and goodbye. Politely he waved, returning the sentiment and for a moment, something clicked within the young man’s mind. He thought to himself what truly was his end goal. While he wanted to obtain riches, see the world, write his name in history, he also wanted peace, something simple and wholesome at the same time.

As he coasted to the sea, his mind began to steam while he ridiculed himself for his current circumstances. All the while the crow returned and began to snip and mess with the sails. At one point it began to pull the cloth in the opposite direction, much to Aliquis’s annoyance. Irritated, he called out to the bird, but to no avail. As a last ditch effort he began throwing anything within a 5 foot radius at the crow till it fled. Satisfied he meandered back into his room and threw himself under his sheets.

In the captain’s heart of hearts, he longed for a place to be. For a home he felt close to yet so distant from. A part of him wished to go back home with his family, however his pride would never allow it. After all he left to prove to them that he was strong, that he was capable of remarkable things. Things they said they could see him doing, the man he was destined to be. It was far too early to call it quits, too late to back out now. So he knuckled down, working hard to keep the peace in his ever expanding life. Powering through cloudy days and mild storms. He pushed aside any issue that he deemed pointless in his quest. Bottling up each emotion, to shelf it for a later time.

With each coming day he found himself feeling more and more at odds with his progress, it began to feel stale. He would wake up, freshen up in the bathroom, make eggs and bacon and stand behind the wheel of his ship. While he preoccupied himself with menial tasks and other oddities, he found himself feeling more and more at odds with his goals. By now it had been no more than half a year and he garnered no substantial ground. It irked him to a degree that felt too personal, as if he was wasting time. It became second nature to curse himself for not making any solid plan for his future. Sure he had goals, dreams and aspirations, but what good does that do for one with no direction? Was standing aboard his ship all he could do?

In the course of another night of brooding and self loathing, he heard a snicker from behind him.

Whipping around blade drawn, he braced himself to face a foe. However, he found himself focusing back on nothing. Once more he surveyed his surroundings, coming up empty handed.

On queue the wind began to pick up growing darker, as off in the distance a titanic black storm cloud rolled in. Aliquis sighed, sheathing his cutlass as he mentally prepared for the storm that was about to reach him.

As he made his way towards the stairs, he saw it once more from the corner of his eye. Just before his vision was blocked by the railing, he had seen the same figure standing at the bow again. Aliquis stood there frozen watching as the person began climbing the railing. It stood with perfect balance even as the boat began to rock and creek, haphazardly from the waves. In one grand gesture the body stretched out its arms, almost on command, rain pelted the ship. Pellets of rain turned soon to bullets, the wind twisted and twirled screaming like a banshee, as the tides became more violent.

Aliquis was tossed aside onto the banister, watching as the crow landed on the creature’s shoulder. Having completed the shroud, vines began to sprout from its legs, creeping up the body of the vessel. The boat complained from the pressure added and stress the mass was enforcing.

In spite of that, Aliquis was brought to his senses, not by the crushing of wood, by the sound of the damned clicking of the helm. It sounded hysteric and afraid at the notion that its vitality might be brought to its knees.

Not wanting to waste any more time Aliquis bolted to the base stairs, only to be knocked down by the foreign objects jetting out from his home. Acquainting his face and the warped wood with a sickening crack, Aliquis laid sprawled on the floor. The vines had already cleared more than half the ship by now. They tore up the floor, spearing into the walls and frame of the ship. Fear and anxiety began to boil to life, as he felt his arms turn cold. Everything was out of his control.

With one flick of his wrist he unsheathed his blade attempting to hack away at the vines. Despite his best efforts, they seemed to grow back at an even faster rate. He tried rising, but was knocked on his back into a cluster of vines. He tossed himself aside in time to see the black mass begin to grow in size, causing the railing to collapse on itself. The ship let out a groan and crunch as more pressure was applied to its sides.

This wasn’t fair.

Doubt plumed and twisted, turning the once fearless and optimistic captain into a wreck of a man. Even the clouds above seemed to be laughing at the fool that began to curl and twist himself into a ball. The man who advocated looking forward, somehow managed to bend himself backwards. Every second he became engrossed in his shortcomings. Turning into his own shadow, overwhelmed by the magnitude of what he’s been tossed into. A state of cold fuzzy static overtook him, tearing apart everything he worked desperately to achieve.

Waves beat furiously, knocking against his vessel, threatening to sink the poor man’s excuse of a ship. Thunder crashes down, as the waves sing the man’s last lullaby, beckoning him into his own watery tomb. All the while the captain remains lost in his own madness.

As the waves began their next barrage of fists and lightning danced within the dark vails above, Aliquis felt something foam up inside him. Neither rage nor hopelessness overtook him. No, it was more of an acceptance. He stabbed his cutlass into the ship as he steadied himself. Reasoning that if he was going to go, it wasn’t going to be without a fight. Aliquis screamed defiantly as he attempted a low charge at the shape. Time stagnated as he felt each footstep beat against his home. He was uneven and sloppy at best, but he didnt care. With every step came a regret, every breath a curse, every drop of rain on his face a distant memory. The more ground he covered the stronger his resolve became, bolstered by the pounding of his heart. He ducked vines, and pushed off crates, dived through gaps, caught himself on each crash. His grip tightened on his blade, as the monster came closer in sight, its frame began to pulse and lash out as Aliquis drew near. Blade in hand he managed to close the gap just as a tendril whipped past his head jutting into the floorboards.

As his blade whipped towards the head of the monster, it looked up mirroring a face of sadness. His own face looked back at him, moments before it lost its body, toppling into the ocean.

Unfortunately, for our dear captain he had no time to register what he had done, let alone to hold his breath just before he was concussed and then cast into the depths. Lost now, deep within the ocean, he sinks. Deeper and deeper into the dark embrace of the deep sea green waters, like a mossy dark angel reaching out for his mass. And for a moment, just in that moment he thought “This is it… isn’t it?”

“I deserve this.”

“How could I think that for one moment, I could have been more than who I was before? How stupid…”

“No, I was nothing more than a disappointment. I’m so sorry mom… Dad…”

“ I could have done much more, and yet I’m STILL not good enough…”

“The world would be such a better place, without a waste of space like me, I don’t deserve this life… no matter how hard I try… I will never be enough”

Familiar vines began to spool out of the Aliquis’s chest, they weighed and sapped the warmth within his core.

Plummeting farther into the unknown, he searched desperately for a source of comfort. Something to hold onto for a while. In response a light appeared within the inky abyss. A bright warm glow takes the form of a face. One of trust, of love, of compassion, a long gone era. The glowing being swims circles, taking note of the soul it’s been called to. In an act of comfort a hand formed and reached out to caress his face. Causing the vines to recoil and withdraw. Slowly memories flooded through him, memories reminiscent of first steps, of sunlight kissing his skin, of grass beneath his feet, cuts and scrapes, juice boxes, lazy days on couches, achievements, failures, warm home cooked meals, bathroom concerts, sleep overs, burned bridges, crisp autumn mornings, harsh winters, parental fights, blankets, gloves, pumpkin spice, peppermint, cigarettes, first kisses, first loves, heart breaks, sick days, snow days, long hugs! In those gilded gray moments he saw flashes of people who he loved, hated, forgiven and forgotten… they all came back to him. Reaching out towards him with ghostly white hands, filling the darkness with light. And as he continued to slowly sink to the bottom, dancing on the silvery line between life and death, he saw himself again, his shadow. Not as a monster, but as a little boy, curled up within himself. Aliquis reached out, however the vines made it difficult. Wrapping around the boy’s legs like barbed wire as he continued to sink.

Presented with his choice’s, the captain glanced up to the light above, and down to the boy below. In one swift motion, he propelled himself in the direction of the child. Vines shot and darted towards him but he didn’t falter, pushing through each thorny branch he pulled closer, till he tackled the kid. Frantically attempting to rip apart every thick cluster from his frame. Even with his new found light, he can’t break through. Till a thought shot through his head, immediately he felt his heart sink.

The damn inside him broke, as shame and grief overtook him. He enveloped the boy in his arms, holding him tight to his chest as memories replayed each tongue lashing and verbal beratement. Each crushing expectation, each insult that stabbed or cut down the child in his arms was all his fault. Yet all he could do was comfort and soothe the scars made by his own hands.

However in spite of all the torment, despite all the ridicule and self hatred, he neglected the fact that through all of it. No matter how many times he hurt or ignored the boy. He would always, without hesitation, forgive him. And that hurt him even more.

The child looked up and smiled, knowing now he’s been heard. Simultaneously, the vines dissipated. With a big smile, the child began to shimmer, emanating a familiar light, similar to the faces he saw moments prior. Laughing through hiccups the boy pressed his head and sighed, melding the two back into one. Leaving the young man once more on his own. Alone, but complete.

Lamentably, reality has a habit of rearing its head during the most euphoric moments in time. Aliquis’s mortal timer was now being put to the test as his body relayed this to his mind. Frantically he began the long and desperate claw back to the surface. His mind panicked, limbs flailed wildly attempting to escape the icy grip of death at his heels. His throat burned, begging and pleading for the sweet intake of fresh air, his heart pounded in his skull like a wardrum. All the while spirits followed behind attempting to aid him in his return to the world of the living.

“I’m sorry! I am so! So! Sorry!”

One arm after the other,

“This time, I will take my time when I’m in new places…” His arms start to vibrate numbingly

“This time, I won’t make any excuses or neglect my shortcomings!” His mind began to flicker.

“This time, I won’t be so hard on myself”. His body felt tighter by the second.

“But this time! This time I will appreciate the ones I love! I WILL BE BETTER

SO PLEASE, LET ME TRY AGAIN…”

One could say it was luck that pulled him from his grave. Another would say it was his faith and determination in a higher being that gifted him his life. But regardless of what you may argue, a life was saved that night, whether it was his own volition, or anothers. What mattered now was that he chose to keep living.

Aliquis’ body broke the surface of the water. Coughing and spitting up water, he let out a cry unlike any his throat has ever produced. A cry of realization, regret and bliss. An epiphany within despair. Slowly he clambered back onto his ship.

Settled down now, he noticed the storm had subsided. How peaceful the sea had become. No longer calling out in dark reckonings. Tossing himself back he watched the night sky… laughing and crying in a pool of his own tears like a fool. Finally slowing down to notice how gorgeously maddening the sky had become. Moonlight reflected on his tears as cool air soothed the hot mess within his poor tired skull. These storms have worn out this poor sea dog, however now, he felt like he had just seen sunlight for the first time.

Now while the ocean continues to promise an escape, he politely refuses the offer. Refusing to leave his world gray, knowing now he has every opportunity to color it. Deep within, his heart pleads to escape, to explore what he missed within a dark bedroom. No longer bound by his own 10 swords, he can be his own knight in shining armor and still receive aid from those he loves.

Our captain stood alone on his ship, gazing down at his vacant vessel. He smiled, reminiscing his dream, still yet to come to fruition. And so he makes a pledge, a pledge to keep challenging waves! To wear down his ship and rebuild it better than how it was before his journey, because that’s who he has decided to be. A mad man with a dream, a sea dog with aspersions, a fool with a hope of finding his forever home. A lover looking for his love. And if the sea should swallow him whole on its own time… he will take comfort knowing that it was HE who was so foolish enough to ask for a better future.