October

     The air is crisp. The leaves are changing. Only the Evergreens still hold their color, soon they’ll sink under the weight of powdered snow. It’s the first week of October, so we’re here to help with for the weekend the Meander Art Crawl, which means grandma made pumpkin bars. We step out of the car as soon as dad parks. Hunter is sitting on the porch waiting to greet visitors. We run up to him and cuddle and pet and kiss him before we open the door and drop our bags by the shoe closet.  

     The smell of the raw wood beams in the ceiling, freshly cleaned floors, the warm sweet aroma floating towards the door from the kitchen. When grandma comes around the corner we race to hug her. Grandpa gets up from his chair in front of the TV. His laugh, deep and comforting, echoes off the beams that run across the ceiling. One at a time, Drew first then me, we’re swept up in his arms for a long warm hug.  

     We’re finally here. After the long car ride, we made it. The sweet scent of the pumpkin bars continues wafting from around the corner. Drew is the first to creep into the kitchen, stealing one of the freshly baked bars, but I’m close behind. The warm frosting melted on my tongue. This is what fall tastes like. It’s cold outside, but my tummy is warm. Filled with pumpkin bars and apple cider.  

     There are so many things that are changing. We’re growing up, mom got a new job, grandma is starting to treat me a little differently than the other kids. Drew is busier with gymnastics, Haylee is taller than me now. Meghan is pregnant again. But this will never change. October, fall, cold, colored leaves, the Meander, pumpkin bars, they’ll never change. 

~

     It’s the first week of October again, ten years later. A lot has changed. Drew lives in Florida for school, but she’s home right now because of hurricane Helene. Now hurricane Milton is supposed to hit her school tomorrow. I met a lot of different people in the last ten years. Some of them brought love, some of them brought trauma. There’s a person who’s been here my whole life too. She’s also brought me trauma and love. She used to make pumpkin bars.  

     I remember the light, fluffy texture. Not too sweet, just perfect. The frosting always leaves a warm sugary aftertaste in my mouth. They were a light orange color, the frosting white with little sprinkles of the bar on top. Always in a tin pan with a red cover with the words ‘Stattleman Family’ written on top. Drew and I would run into the barn and sneak the ones that were meant for the guests, along with another cup of hot cider. 

     There’s no pumpkin bars anymore. The weather isn’t even cold. A lot has changed. It’s been warmer for the last couple years. The leaves still change colors. The towering evergreens still sway in the wind. But there are no more pumpkin bars. I miss the sweet smell of the delicate treats. I miss that time when I still felt love from my mom’s mom. Meghan’s baby is almost 11 now. He’s no longer a baby. Instead Vi is pregnant. Maybe it’s not all that different. Except the magic is gone. 

     It’s supposed to be cold. The pumpkin bars are missing. The sounds of little kids running around and giggling are absent. I don’t feel happy at the Meander anymore. I’m scared. Scared that I’m not lovable, even though he proves me otherwise everyday. I’m filled with anxiety, so crippling I go nonverbal when I finally get a chance to breathe. I’m on guard all the time, because the woman who is supposed to be a loving grandma sucked away my childhood.  

     Of course Becky loves me, in her own way. I remember being a little kid, she’d wash my hair in the bathtub. We’d go get groceries and then she’d let me pick out a toy at the store, I always picked legos. Those were for boys she’d say, but I liked them. I remember being happy and not worried to see her. I also remember the pumpkin bars. That’s all gone now. 

     It’s October, I’m back at school, reflecting on the weekend. He holds me and tells me it’s okay. I wish I could believe him. Maybe if I had a piece of the past with me, I could remember being a little girl again. I’d give anything to be eight again. That was the last time I could be a child around Becky. The next year I recognized the negative emotions. I verbalize my feelings. I stopped eating the pumpkin bars, they reminded me of her. She only got worse towards me.  

     So, maybe if I had one pumpkin bar from when I was eight years old, October would be October again, and nothing would be wrong, for just a moment. Just as long as I can taste the pumpkin mixing with the sweet frosting. While the taste lingers. Before it’s all gone and I have to return to reality again. 

     Directions 

• Preheat the oven to 350°F. 

• Using an electric mixer at medium speed, combine the eggs, sugar, oil and pumpkin until light and fluffy. 

• Stir together the flour, baking powder, cinnamon, salt and baking soda. 

• Add the dry ingredients to the pumpkin mixture and mix at low speed until thoroughly combined and the batter is smooth. 

• Spread the batter into a greased 13 by 10-inch baking pan. 

• Bake for 30 minutes. 

• Let cool completely before frosting. 

• Cut into bars. 

• To make the icing: Combine the cream cheese and butter in a medium bowl with an electric mixer until smooth. 

• Add the sugar and mix at low speed until combined. 

• Stir in the vanilla and mix again. 

• Spread on cooled pumpkin bars. 

 

     Ingredients 

• 4 Eggs
  1 2⁄3 cups granulated sugar 

• 1 cup vegetable oil 

• 1 (15 ounce) can pumpkin puree 

• 2 cups sifted all-purpose flour 

• 2 teaspoons baking powder 

• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon 

• 1 teaspoon salt 

• 1 teaspoon baking soda 

• Icing 

• 1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened 

• 1⁄2 cup butter or 1/2 cup margarine, softened 

• 2 cups sifted confectioners’ sugar 

• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract