Aye Aye, Captain

Begone with the evil thoughts of yonder year! I have arisen from the ashes and will go on
to have a satisfactory week. Or at least day. Yesterday you will see I had rats in my hair, clothes
on the floor, trash out the door. Now I am new! Brand, brand new! Who’s that girl! They will all
cry. My god, she’s stunning! Can we get your autograph? EW! Out of my way fantasy dreamers,
I am above you. Literally. Today my shoes are tall.

Out the door, my hair is bouncy and clean. Nails are trimmed and red. Eyes painted. Lips
sharp. I will stab you. Yesterday wasn’t real. Bad dream. Today, I am awake.

First stop work. Hello Mr. Boss! I’ve been thinking, you fuckin suck! I think you should
give me your job. You’re right, he says, I fuckin suck. Have the job!

Now I’m Mr. Boss. I tell them to write their reports. They say aye aye, Captain (I told
them to call me Captain. It sucks a lot less than Mr. Boss). I tell them to get me coffee. The
young one brings me coffee. I pat the young one on the head and ask his name. Jeremy. Good
job Jeremy. You are now First Mate of this Office. Jeremy says aye aye, Captain.

A month into being the Captain of the Office I sign an executive order to initiate the
HardAss program. Everyone in the Office has to be a HardAss now. They all come to work with
bouncy hair and red nails. They will stab you. They cry thank you Captain, we feel so much
better than yesterday. Their shoes aren’t as tall as mine.

Two months into being Captain of the Office I sign an executive order to eliminate all
DumbAss behavior. Jeremy helps to draft notices for the employees and their loved ones. A
week later a progress survey comes back with results. Thank you Captain! There are no more
DumbAsses in our lives! It is so much better than yesterday! Our shoes are so much taller than
everyone else’s! My shoes are still the tallest.

Three months into being Captain of the Office I sign an executive order to expand the
Office across the nation. I appoint Jeremy as Captain of the new location in Corporate City. I step
away from the Office and move to the capitol building. I become the President of the company. It
was easy. I walked up to the former President and told him he fuckin sucks.

One year into my Presidency I marry Jeremy. Turns out he was really good at his job. He
never comes to work without bouncy hair and red nails. We stand at the altar and say our vows. I
tell Jeremy he is the best employee I have ever commanded. He says I know. He tells me that
he’s been thinking, and I fuckin suck. I look down and notice that Jeremy’s shoes are taller than
mine. Uh oh. Jeremy stabs me. Till death do us part! Turns out he was really good at his job.