How I Fell Mav-Ly In Love

The minute I saw him walk in… I knew he was the one. His height, his horns, his handsome(ly permanent) smile… He was simply irresistible. I had to let him roll my tide.

Oh! Excuse me, I’m getting carried away. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mobius. I am the proud and sophisticated mascot of a local literary journal or other. When I’m not busy writing pirate poetry, I typically indulge in underwater basket weaving, posing on the Instant Grams, and collecting top hats and monocles.  I take pride in being dapper. That, and admiring handsome hunks roaming around the CSU. 

That’s where I met him. 

And everything changed.  

It was the second week of my very first semester. I’d finally memorized the campus’s layout. (Except for Trafton. That building’s more complicated than completing calculus while crosseyed.) I was tucked away in a purple booth, hunched over my laptop and pecking away at my Whale Watching 101 assignment. I took a swig of saltwater from my Stanley cup and surveyed the area. As usual, the CSU was packed. From the broccoli-haired freshmen to the swaggering seniors, everyone was truly in their own element. 

Suddenly, a jock bellowed from my left. “Ayo, bro! Go long, dude!”

“Right on, brah!” another jock answered from my right.  

A small, dingy football torpedoed towards my Stanley, knocking it over. Saltwater spilled onto my laptop, notes, and phone. Everything. Was. Soaked. 

Frick.

I felt my face heat up, my eyes blurred with tears. 

“Ohhh, shoot, broseph!” Jock Number One drawled.

“Looks like we just damaged an academic weapon, dawg,” Jock Number Two replied. 

There wasn’t an ounce of remorse on their chiseled faces.

“And you damaged my laptop!” I said, my fins balled into fists. I felt the water faintly drip-dropping onto my lap. 

  “Study somewhere else, then, bro!” Said Jock Number… forget it, they all looked alike.

“There’s an entire football field across the street, bro!” I shout, gesturing vaguely in front of me. “G-go… uh, study your craft over there!” 

“Why don’t you make us, Mr. Peanut?” One of them replied. They both stepped towards me. The lighting shifted their angular faces from sharp to sinister. 

“Why don’t you guys leave him alone?” A deep voice rumbled behind them. A hoof landed on each jock’s broad shoulder. 

The jocks spun around as a tall, taurusian figure towered over them.

Stomper?

 “Speak!” he roared.

“We were just playing football–”

“–I threw it at him–”

“–and he was supposed to catch it–” 

“Enough!” my purple protector bellowed. (Unh — he’s so hot when he’s authoritative.)  He jabbed a hoof in my direction. “Tell him you’re sorry.”

The jocks hung their bulky (and likely empty) heads. “We’re sorry,” they muttered.

“Very good.” Stomper’s nostrils flared satisfactorily. “Now, get out of our sight.”

“Huh?” Said Jock Number Whatever. 

“You herd me.” Stomper’s yellow eyes flicked to mine and shot me a jaunty wink. 

Stomper clutched a handful of each jock’s shirt and picked them off the floor. He then spun around in a Britney Spears-esque fashion, swinging both jocks in the air. He let them go after a few good spins, torpedoing them through the ceiling like two testosterone-filled missiles. All the while, I couldn’t help but admire how Stomper’s derriere dared to escape his tight, bright yellow shorts. A faint whistling noise followed the jock’s epic ascent. 

Everyone in the CSU stood stock still. After a few beats of silence, everyone clapped. 

Stomper rolled his broad shoulders and cracked his thick neck. The sun made his horns gleam. He turned to me, his gorgeous yellow eyes locked on mine. They then flicked down to my table.

“My, my, my. Look at you. You’re drenched,” he said, taking a step forward.

“Oh!” I said, suddenly remembering the small puddle in my lap. “Um, yeah. It’s fine, though. Here.” I sucked in my stomach, making the saltwater absorb into my skin.

Stomper blinked, blushed, and cleared his throat. “Uh–”

 “I-it’s a whale thing. Our skin is hydrophilic.”

He nodded and crossed his arms, making his veins pop. “Mm, interesting. I like that.”

“I like you, too!” I replied, and immediately clapped a fin over my mouth. 

Stomper smirked, his nostrils puffed happily. “Stay put. Let me get you some napkins for your stuff.”

I watched his tail swing to and fro as he swaggered over to the napkin dispenser. Even his tail  had muscles.

He returned a few seconds later, and we silently dried off my stuff. He leaned over the table as he worked. A gold “S” swung from his necklace. He smelled of mowed grass and Old Spice. 

After everything was dry enough, I put my stuff in my backpack. He stood back up to his full height and stuck out a hoof. “Goodness, where are my manners? What’s your name?”

I put my fin in his hoof. I could’ve sworn that I felt sparks shoot through my flipper. 

“Mobius. My name is Mobius,” I smiled, and tipped my top hat towards him.

He smiled back. “Mobius. That’s a sick name. I’m Stomper,” he replied, and firmly shook my fin. 

“It’s a pleasure to me–” Suddenly, Stomper yanked me out of my seat. He magically whalehandled me so that I was cradled in his arms like a blue, blubbery bride. I like how his hairiness bristled against my smooth skin. It was a pleasant itchiness. 

“Where to, Mobius?” Stomper asked, smirking down at me. 

“Anywhere you’d like,” I replied. I instinctively laid a fin against his chest.

“Perfect. I know just the place.”

He squatted low to the ground, then leapt through the same hole he hurled the jocks through. Everything blurred around us. We soared through the second level, the trees, the clouds, and finally, the troposphere. 

We were in space.

While a human might’ve been cold, Stomper’s fur and my blubber insulated us quite nicely. 

“My, my, my. Look at that,” Stomper whispered in my ear. The stars speckled his eyes. 

The Pisces and Taurus constellations glowed above us. 

“I-It’s beautiful!” I gasp.

“Not as beautiful as you, Mobius,” Stomper replied, and gently lowered my chin downwards. His yellow eyes gazed into mine. Then his lips were on mine. 

And, boy, were they soft.

Supernovas and galaxies formed, surrounded, and exploded around us. 

Or maybe that was just me. 

When we pulled away, I could only see out of one eye. My other one was blurry from my monocle fogging up. I giggled, and rested my forehead against his. Something caught my eye below us. 

“Hey. Check it out, Stomper,” I said.

A plane flew underneath us, a message scrawled in a jetstream:

We <3 Stobius!!

🐳 Fin 🐳