Even If You Miss

For Trotter, the best thing about being in space was zero gravity. He loved to float there with his eyes closed. Letting himself melt away into nothing. Becoming part of the black all around him. It made him feel like nothing and everything at the same time. He imagined that this is what people who were scared of dying thought would happen. The difference being that when you’re dead you can’t think. As long as Trotter could think, he saw no reason for fear or to resent the unknown.

“You done with those repairs yet, buddy?” asked Dorh over the buzz of an intercom.

“Just about.” Trotter floated, held by nothing. Absolutely nothing. Though he knew that in some small way it was there, even the all-reaching hands of gravity felt distant to Trotter, never really touching him so long as his feet touched no ground. Trotter was meant to be repairing a small technical malfunction on the outside of their ship. But he liked to work slowly on these things. It gave him time to let his skin melt away into the cosmos, until you couldn’t even tell Trotter had been there in the first place.

“Better hurry up, we’re behind schedule now. Shitass damages. This stuff always happens.”

“Aye aye, sir.” Trotter replied.

“Don’t call me that.” Trotter heard a clang of porcelain, distorted by the intercom. “Want some coffee or something?”

“No.”

Eventually, Trotter made it back inside. Their ship’s artificial gravity held his feet to the hard, aluminum floor. It felt like jumping into cold water right after waking up. A sudden, spiteful rush after a slow, dull bliss. The artificial gravity of the ship also held Dorh’s coffee in his Garfield shaped mug. Dorh took a slow, noisy sip from Garfield. After a satisfied sigh, he said “Alright, let’s get back on course. We’ve wasted enough time already.”
“Don’t worry so much.”

“I’m not worried, Trotter. Just eager.” The two were headed toward the moon. Dorh took a seat at the terminal, placing Garfield beside him. His body was contained, but his eagerness was truly visible on his face. A wide, excited smile and determined eyes. Dorh loved the moon. He always had. He was only seven when an astronaut visited his school with a real, genuine moonrock, inspiring Dorh and changing the course of his life forever. To him, the moon was like a stair. The first stair on the way to heaven. If humanity could reach it, they’d be on the path to ascension. And just think, for all the mystery and wonder the moon held, it still was only the first stair, with many more to come after it. Many more things for humanity to uncover.

Dorh had been to the moon before. This did not damper his eagerness. See a sunset a thousand times and tell me if you get bored of them. If Dorh could go to the moon a thousand times he would. If he could live there he would. Alas, Dorh’s wife kept him grounded. Apart of the soil from which he sprang. “Say, Trotter. Can you imagine a terraformed moon? One with turf, and rows of houses, like the suburbia of Earth.”

“I think if we started living on the moon it would be much cooler than that.”

“Wanna sip of my coffee?”

“No.”

“Come on, you need your protein.” Dorh forced Garfield into Trotter’s hand.

“There’s no protein in coffee.” But Trotter looked down at the dark pool in Garfield’s head. He watched his reflection wiggle in it and imagined himself melting away, becoming part of the coffee, just like how he melted away in space. Then he took a small, bitter sip.

Trotter and Dorh looked up at the sky from the surface of the moon. The Earth now took the niche of the very body they stood on. Despite the long journey, it was like the grounds of each celestial orb simply switched places, and now this is how things were.

Trotter was no moon enthusiast, at least not of the level of Dorh. But he did like it. The dark skies, and weightless feel. Like Earth, but gentler. The one thing Earth had going for it was water. Trotter loved the oceans, and lakes, rivers, streams, delta, fjords, any body of beautiful blue. He liked the way stars and the moon bounced off it. He liked how it felt to be in it. At home he had an aquarium. His favorite fish was a Mickey Mouse Platy he called Scoob. “I think a terraformed moon should have big, big oceans with lots of wildlife.” Dorh chuckled in response as he picked through moon rocks. “We should give the moon to nature, since we took so much of it away from Earth.”

“Not a bad idea, Trotter.” Dorh dropped an armful of rocks into their buggy. “Let’s get a move on. We gotta lot of ground to cover.”

“We’d have covered a lot more ground by now if you hadn’t stopped so much to pick up rocks.”

The rocks were for Dorh.

Side by side, in their chunky spacesuits, driving along in their moonbuggy, Dorh and Trotter traveled the moon. They stopped at the rim of a deep crater, got off their buggy, and started taking equipment down into it. They set up their machine and let it run. Dorh patted off some moon dust from his gloves. “Alright, now we wait. Say, you wanna go for a hike.”

“Sure.” replied Trotter. The two climbed out of the crater and walked around. They explored small crevices, interesting rocks, and wandered over and down hills. They treated the moon like children treat the woods. Their venture took them to one hill shaped like a sleeping mother. Following below, Trotter watched as Dorh made his way to the top, stopping suddenly at its peak, looking towards the sky. Trotter caught up to him in a small pant. “What’s up?”

“Um,” Dorh trailed off a little, searching the sky. “I don’t see Earth.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t see Earth. It’s not there.”

“Maybe it set.” Trotter caught his breath and was now searching the sky alongside Dorh.

“I didn’t think it would’ve set so soon.”

“Been a long day, Dorh. Plus, with all the traveling we did. Come on, let’s get back to the buggy.”

Dorh shrugged, but still looked at the sky a moment longer. “Yeah, alright.”

The two started walking back to the rim of the crater where they left their buggy. Dorh kept looking up to the sky, trying to find the Earth. They kept walking. The terrain wiggled like sine waves before them. Everything looked the same up here. Dorh kept looking to the sky. They walked and walked, retracing their steps until Trotter suddenly stopped, beginning to survey the ash desert around them. “What’s wrong?” Dorh asked.

“I… I don’t recognize any of these landmarks.” Trotter looked toward Dorh. Dorh saw the curved reflection of his spacesuit in Trotter’s visor, arms hung like a wet towel. “I think we’re lost, man.”

The two of them stared at each other, saying nothing. There was enough empty space between them for Trotter to feel his skin start to dissipate in the pool of the universe around him before he was snapped back into form by Dorh’s statement; “That isn’t good.”

“I know.”

“We’ll be fine, though.”

“Yeah.”

“We can’t be too far away. We can make our way back, no problem. Do you have the map?”

“No. It’s on the buggy.”

Dorh was silent for a moment. “We’re astronauts. We’re supposed to be very smart. Much smarter than this.” Dorh began to pace. “How could we get lost, gallivanting on the moon like children. How irresponsible could we be!”

“Dorh-”

“Christ, imagine that! A planetary geologist and an aerospace engineer getting lost on the moon!”

“Where else would astronauts get lost, Dorh?” Dorh stopped pacing and placed his hands on his hips. He looked to the ground, nodding. “We have two options, Dorh. One; we can wait here, and do nothing. Let the moon swallow us whole, and be driven mad. Or two; we can pick a direction and go.” Now Trotter looked at himself in the reflection of Dorh’s visor. “Which do you prefer?”

Dorh tapped his foot. “Let’s go.”

The two walked. They kept walking. They walked further than they were sure they walked away from the buggy in the first place. But they kept walking anyway. They chose optimism in the face of this dire circumstance. Optimism would lead them to their buggy. It would lead them home, no matter how far they wandered off from it. Children always made their way back home.

“Keep an eye out for footprints, Dorh. If we find our footprints we’re home free.” Trotter looked backwards to Dorh as he said this, who again was looking towards the sky as they walked. “Dorh, you’re not gonna find the Earth, it’s set already.”

“It’s not just that, Trotter. Look.” Dorh pointed to the sky, gesturing to the sprinkled array of pinpoints of light that littered the dark sheet of space. He drew imaginary lines between those points, sewing them together, making pictures out of them. “The stars look different. I don’t see Orion. I don’t see the dippers. I see nothing I know.”

Trotter looked up and discovered the same thing. The arrangement of heaven was wrong. “We should keep going. Let’s not be distracted by this.”

“Do we? Do we have to keep going? The further we move the more lost we become. What point is there keeping on if it’s only gonna make things worse?”

“You chose this.”

“Sure, but now I regret it. The more we walk, the more we break and crush and destroy the fragile little situation we’re in! The very ground we walk on is breaking before us, and we’re still walking towards it!”

The two of them just looked at each for a second before Trotter replied. “You have to break a couple of eggs before you can make an omelet.” And to that, Dorh began to laugh, which made Trotter laugh. And the two of them laughed together boisterously. Then they continued to walk.

Hours passed. Trotter and Dorh stood side by side, looking down at a footprint. They stared at it like they had just learned to see. All alone, this footprint laid in the dust. Nothing else around it as far as the eye could see. “I thought we were miles away from the buggy.” Said Dorh. “But we must be close. We have to be.” The footprint was faded over. Its shape was disrupted as though a paint brush had run over it.

“This doesn’t make sense. There aren’t any other footprints. Just this one. Footprints don’t go away on the moon.”

Dorh responded to Trotter’s concerns. “Lots of things can happen. Things you wouldn’t expect.”

“Like what?”

“I said you wouldn’t expect them.” Dorh began walking opposite the direction the footprint faced. “Come on. At least we have some direction now.”

Trotter didn’t follow immediately. Instead, he held his arm up in the air. For a moment, he thought he might’ve felt the gentle tug of wind dancing around his arm.

As they continued to walk, Trotter kept feeling gentle winds. They came and went like visitors, never staying too long. Drawing in a weight that hung over the horizon which they walked towards. “I think we need to reevaluate.”

“Reevaluate what? We’re making progress. This has to be the right way.”

Dorh didn’t seem to notice the wind. That made Trotter worried that he was imagining it. That his persisting relationship with the void had made him prone to madness. That he could no longer distinguish reality from what was in his mind. Though it worried him more thinking that the winds could be real. It worried him that the Earth had set and that it would never come back up again.

The two of them made it past a rock formation they were walking beside. The light of the sun cast a beam directly at them, obscured only slightly by tall, straight rock. But as their eyes adjusted, as they came out fully from behind the formation, they saw that this tall, straight rock was actually a set of stairs. A pillar of stand alone stairs. Undeniably so. Steps with perfect right angles. Perfection in such totality that they had to be man made. They had to be.

Trotter and Dorh stood in awe of the stairs. Silhouetted against the gleaming rays of the sun, the stairs sat there. They sat there with such self-assurance, as though they had always been there. As though they were part of the moon itself, born with it. Inseparable.

Trotter and Dorh looked at each other. They didn’t say a word. Then they kept walking. They continued to follow the path laid in motion by the single footstep they found. They walked away from the stairs.

Their walk was silent for quite a while after that. The two of them moved with their heads down in a single direction. They walked like that until Dorh noticed another footstep. He stopped and looked ahead where he saw even more. “Trotter! Our footsteps!”

The two of them picked up their pace, excitedly following the path. Happy at the mere thought of seeing even their moonbuggy. It felt like coming home. But as they followed the path they were not met with the sight of their buggy. They passed over a mound to see their ship. About half of it, destroyed, sprawled out across the surface of the moon. Pieces of their ship fell gently in the low-gravity. It was like an angel was placing objects on the ground in the wake of an explosion.

Garfield gently tapped Dorh’s visor before he let him fall into his hands. Trotter scooted closer to Dorh and put a hand on his shoulder. He didn’t say anything. The two stood there and watched as every piece of their ship laid themselves among grey dust.

“I’m going back to the stairs.” Dorh eventually said.

“What?”

“They must be a sign. They’re our way out.”

“That’s preposterous.” Trotter replied. Dorh shook his way out of Trotter’s grasp and walked with purpose back towards where they found the stairs. “Dorh!” Trotter followed suit. “Dorh, what’re you doing!”

“I’m gonna get out of here, Trotter.” Dorh held Garfield firmly as he paced towards the stairs. Trotter started to run after Dorh, who bolted in response. He bolted so much as the gravity and his bulky suit allowed. The pursuit was awkward and fumbling. Trotter or Dorh would trip, only to fall softly and at no consequence. Getting up offered a unique challenge of operating limbs twice as thick and half as mobile as usual. They made their way back to the staircase before Trotter finally got a hold of Dorh. He clasped his hand around his shoulders. “Stop, Dorh!”

“Let me go! This is the only way. This is the only option left.”

“Don’t run away from me, Dorh.”

“Why shouldn’t I!” Dorh flung his hands out to the side as he yelled this. His voice echoed into the distant black nothing all around them. His voice shouldn’t have echoed.

“You’ll be alone without me.” Trotter replied.

“‘You’ll be alone?’ You’ll. Why is it about me, Trotter? Why won’t YOU be alone?” Dorh shoved Trotter off of him. “You wanted this, didn’t you? It’s your silly little dream to be out here, alone. With nothing.” Dorh shoved Trotter, harder this time. Trotter fell to his knees trying to regain his footing.

“That’s enough, Dorh.”

“I’ll tell you when it’s enough!” Dorh shoved Trotter a third time, forcing him onto his back. Dorh turned and marched towards the staircase. Trotter stumbled to his feet. Dorh lifted a foot and placed it on the first stair. Trotter tackled Dorh off it, and they both fell slowly onto the ground.

“There’s nothing up there. You’ve gone insane.” Trotter yelled. Trotter lifted himself and took a step back. He reached out an arm, offering to help Dorh up. Dorh got up on his own and immediately tried to tackle Trotter. They interlocked in a grapple, their arms placed against one another and they put as much might as they could towards one another, Garfield still clenched in Dorh’s fist.

“You’re insane, Trotter. Not me!” Dorh got the upper hand and struck Trotter with Garfield. The mug shattered across his helmet. “You’re a sociopath! You don’t care that we’re stuck out here! You don’t care about me, or my wife! You don’t care about anyone.”

“That’s not true!” Trotter lunged at Dorh knocking him down hard. Trotter heard a sharp smash. A jagged stone pierced Dorh’s visor, and immediately he went as still as morning water. Trotter basked in silence. He stood there, not expecting, but hoping that Dorh would move. He knelt beside him for a long time. “Dorh…?” Dorh stayed as still as the very surface of the moon, becoming a part of the wavy terrain. “Dorh?” Trotter put his hand on Dorh’s back. Though he could feel no temperature through their suits, Trotter imagined the body cold. A gentle breeze started to hum as Trotter moved Dorh to his back. His grip, now loose, let the remaining half of Garfield roll off his fingers. The visor of Dorh’s helmet had a gaping hole. Sharp glass points made a circle around an empty, dark chasm. It was like staring into the mouth of a shark.

Dorh’s face wasn’t there. Nothing was there. Trotter clenched his fists over Dorh’s body, hung his head and cried. The breeze picked up, piling grey dust around the rim of Dorh’s body. The moon was already trying to swallow him up. Trotter kept crying until he heard a sound. A deep, powerful woosh like something big swimming through water. He looked up where he heard it coming from but saw nothing. When he brought his head back down, small aquarium fish were swimming out of Dorh’s broken helmet. Deep blues and vibrant teals. Tangerine orange and speckles of pink and magenta. Soft vermillions, and iridescent gleams of silver. Some shaped like spearheads, others coming to a feathery point. One’s with spotted sides or streaks of rainbow. One after another, more and more fish swam out of the hole in Dorh’s helm. So many fish appeared that Trotter eventually couldn’t find Dorh’s body. He tried to push past the fish, but then he couldn’t even see his own hands. The breeze turned into a gust, and the fish swept around Trotter like a tornado until all he saw was a beautiful swirl of opulence. A dance of color encircling Trotter, moving up and up and up until they faded away into the black above. Until they were indistinguishable from the stars themselves. And Trotter was alone again. And he wished that he could become a star too.

Trotter stood up. He walked to the staircase. He took a step up it, then another. And each step he took brought the sun’s rays closer and closer into few. By the time he reached the top, he was fully enveloped in its streaking beams. And then he was gone.